Mixed Feelings: The Fourth

This is the fourth time I've done a, "Mixed Feelings," post on the 15th of December. It's been 5 years since we lost our pregnancy today. It is also a day of celebration for my mother as it is her birthday. I love my Mom very much and want her to have a good day. I also just feel a bit sad and angry today thinking back how hard December 2019-December 2020 was. We lost a pregnancy, a number of loved ones, and COVID-19 becoming a Worldwide pandemic was the cherry on top of it all.

For a chunk of time, I tried to ignore my feelings about how awful those twelve months were, which was incredibly unhealthy. Then I would feel more sad at points, and mad at others. Yesterday I was really mad and irritable. It just still stings to not have Shalom after we wanted him so much and got as far as we did in our pregnancy. Anger is normal, but you don't want to to engulf you completely and leave you just an enraged shell of a human being. Now I just feel a bit sad and reflective. Distance from a traumatic event helps to some degree but some elements still feel weirdly immediate in my memory. It felt so scary and lonely as we were dealing with my wife's hernia bursting as well as our pregnancy becoming unviable all at once. In the years since we've talked with other folks who lost a pregnancy, and it does help to not feel as alone. Grief can be isolating to a degree, however. Sometimes we need a moment to ourselves to feel all the feelings, and I still have many.

I am joyful here in 2024 as well. We have our wonderful boys Clarkson and Gibson. Gibson is our baby we had after our loss, sometimes referred to as a, "Rainbow baby," in popular culture. A rainbow after a storm. I am eternally grateful for our two sweet boys but still miss the child we could not have. It is a lot of mixed feelings, hence the title of the posts. I love my family, from the members we have here to celebrate a happy occasion with to those who have sadly left us or didn't even get to fully join us on this planet. We live in a World of constant change--for the better or worse. I just am trying my best to keep up with it all.